Bad mental health days

Wednesday 15th October 2015

Yesterday, it just all went wrong. Yet the day started so positively with a smashing session at the gym where I actually arrived early so was home earlier to help with the kids morning routines of cereal, school uniform and building tracks with Ralph's favourite wooden train track set (bought second hand of course from a boot fair and Marketplace). I decided that after dropping Jess off at school, that I would take Ralph out on a solo hike to a new place. I was told there were beautiful walks around the Hoo Peninsula - "I was told" meaning I did a quick Google search of "scenic local walks" and this was one of the top three options - so I headed towards a local village so I could park somewhere for free and set off from there.

I still feel a bit traumatised by the whole experience if I'm honest so writing it down is just forcing me to relive the trauma. To cut a long story short, the hike started well for the first hour, I then realised my phone battery would soon die so I head to a nature reserve to walk around and memorised the way back to my car after that. I was approached by a couple of people on the nature reserve to be told that it was closed and I was trespassing, they were most upset. I don't cope well with confrontation so after many apologies and trying to get to the exit as quickly as I could I was then crying hysterically on the road back to my car. I was crying because I felt stupid. And that I had obviously put the owners out by being there and that made me feel bad. But mostly because I felt humiliated. Turns out I was a lot further away from my car than I thought and my phone had died after I spoke to my partner about what was going on. I kept trying public footpaths that led nowhere. I was well and truly lost. 

I was walking in total for nearly three and a half hours by the time I got back to my car. Ian had also left work to come and find me, and he did so just at the last minute. Honestly, I was relieved that he had come for me because even though I had managed to get back with the help of a few locals, I just needed a hug. My body had entered some kind of survival mode as it was plodding along the main road, big lorries swerving round me, Ralph finally falling asleep in a back carry. Once I had done the drive home, my body was screaming at me. 

I knew that at the gym that morning, I had attempted a particularly heavy lift where my form had dropped and I hurt my back a bit. Nothing that was going to stop me from finishing my session. But then after this whole ordeal and carrying Ralph for three hours, I knew my back wasn't okay. It felt crippled. I had a hot bath with tonnes of magnesium flakes and Epsom salts followed by plenty of prepped food in the fridge to top up my energy stores. But by the time I'd finished going food shopping and getting home, I could barely move. I had a terrible nights sleep with Ralph constantly trying to feed on me. Anyone who has ever co-slept with a toddler knows it is never a comfortable night, then try doing it with a bad back - absolute disaster. I did sleep, I was exhausted, I just woke up just as tired as I was when I crawled into bed that night.

All of this has meant today has been tough on my brain. I keep going over what an idiot I am for making the mistake in the first place. Also trying to parent a very active toddler when your mobility is somewhat flawed can be tricky. The pain has eased with plenty of time with a hot water bottle and OTC pain medication. But did you know that you can't take co-codamol when you breastfeed? So I've been surviving on Paracetamol and Ibuprofen, it has taken the edge off. This isn't a pity party either. I guess this is more of a what can go wrong when you're trying to live a spend less kind of life. We are always very quick to share the highlights of our endeavours that sometimes we don't share the things that don't quite go as planned. So although I can't imagine this story will bring many laughs (or it will, probably at my expense!) but it's real. 

My younger sister has checked in on me today and we have both shared our feelings of "stagnation", "blandness" and "poor mental health". Sometimes a problem shared is a problem halved. Sometimes just putting those two halves together has made us feel wholly less alone. Although we are both in completely different situations in life, somehow we both still get it. That has put a little light on my otherwise dark mood today. 

Plus I haven't spent a penny. Another no spend day ticked off!

It can be on these poor mental health days that we can turn to making purchases in order to make ourselves feel better. But I refuse to let my hormones be the reason for making purchases for things I simply do not need in a bid to feel slightly better about myself. There's a bigger picture here and that picture is being able to take my children on holiday next year, top up their savings pots and just feel like I'm not constantly chasing my tail financially.