I'm having an identity crisis

Hello again and welcome!

It probably sounds a bit dramatic but I can't help but be torn between the two identities I have become over time. The first one, being the identity that dates long back, my maternal intuition, my Mother Earth tendencies, basically, being a present and patient mother. I've always known I wanted to be a mum and I generally consider myself a nurturing person, a woman that loves babies and children and who always wanted her own and I have been lucky to go on to have two out of four successful pregnancies. My other identity though, being my inner gym-girlie, fitness fanatic, lover of things about healthy food and lifestyle, aspiring muscle mommy, is one that took root about two years ago. At first I considered my gym going and weight lifting a mere hobby, as a means to losing some weight and building muscle, but it's pretty much turned into a non-negotiable thing over time as I fully identify as "Amber who goes to the gym". 

To someone that's always lived a healthy lifestyle and grew up around lots of physical activity and people who celebrated physical achievements, then this probably sounds very dramatic. I don't have to make such a big deal out of being a person that goes to the gym. But to me, going to the gym and lifting weights is part of my identity and it's taken a lot of work to get here. It's not just going to the gym. It's the whole process of being someone who is mindful about food choices - prioritising nutrient dense food, high protein sources and finding joy in making my own foods from scratch (she's in her homemade granola and banana bread era!) Being someone who priorities daily steps - because I know that going outside and being in nature is good for my mental health as well as keeping my body active for my cardiovascular health and a plethora of other benefits. Being someone that prioritises SELF CARE - all of these things fall under that umbrella for me.

So you may ask me why this is an identity crisis, because surely these two identities can exist in one form. This is me admitting that I struggle to be both identities because sometimes there is a conflict of interest. My son is still very young, he requires A LOT of my attention including being breastfed and co sleeping together all night, he also likes to be in the baby carrier a lot so he is physically attached to me. Much like my daughter was when she was the same age. Which means I am needed at home most of the time and when I go to the gym, baby is with his daddy (who by the way is an amazing parent and partner) but I am often overrun with the guilt of leaving him even for an hour because he usually cries as I am leaving. But if I don't go, I feel guilty to my inner gym-girlie for not prioritising her. I also struggle with the fact I am very much passionate about women in weightlifting and fitness and so being around other mum's who are cooing over their babies trying their first foods, saying their first words or taking first steps, I feel like maybe I am not passionate enough about being a mother. Again, more guilt over here! 

Of course, there is a balance and we are figuring it out as we go. There's not one perfect way to raise a child. A bit like there isn't only one way to exercise. But I do feel a sense of relief and a weight off my shoulders from admitting that it is a struggle. For me, it's important to have supportive people around me who understand the need for both of my identities to co-exist. It's a whole separate topic in itself, but who you surround yourself with is a massive chunk of how successful you will be on your journey to self improvement, or your weight loss journey, or your parenting journey. The word "journey" itself is a bit hippy-dippy I know, but that's exactly what it is! 

The reason I wanted to hone in on our identities is because a lot of the time our success will be driven by the actions we take. Those actions define us as people. In the book Atomic Habits by James Clear, he states “True behaviour change is identity change. You might start a habit because of motivation, but the only reason you’ll stick with one is that it becomes part of your identity.” I think this is such an important message and the reason why I am happy to define my gym-going as an identity. It ensures I never have to rely of some kind of motivation to turn up. Being a mother has never been something I have needed conscious motivation for, however I do often find that my patience wears thin at times and I have to remind myself that I want to identify as the sort of parent who is not dismissive of her children's emotions and who will demonstrate kindness and patience even when she doesn’t have any more to give. Which, if you are a parent, will know can be hard when you’re running on empty, in the thick of sleepless nights, shitty nappies, a baby that will only sleep on your body and maybe a 5 year old who has the attitude of a 15 year old! 

I am Amber who is a great mum. 

I am Amber who goes to the gym. 

I am Amber who prioritises healthy food choices. 

I am Amber who is growing her own business. 

I am Amber who loves to go walking outside in nature. 

You can be whoever you want and the list can be as long as you want it to be. Your identities can all co-exist, you just need to find a way to make that work for you and your family and if you are struggling, talk about it with your loved ones. The likelihood is that they want to help you fulfil your full potential and so will offer an assist as and when you need it! As a parent, I think you need to learn to accept that there’s always going to be something that makes you feel guilty, whether that be returning to work after having a baby, forgetting a favourite food on the food shop or losing your patience with your child and raising your voice. So if regularly prioritising your health by going to the gym or going for a walk or run without your children causes some guilt, then know that you’re still doing what’s best for you and your family. 

Because you can’t pour from an empty cup. 

Love Amber, xo